Humans Are Friends, Not Food!
by Cinekimi
Summary: Carlisle has put together a program for veggie vampires!  Join the meeting, and remember...humans are friends, not food! Reviews greatly appreciated.
1. Finding Nemo

Kimmy: Ok whoever's reading this—brace yourself.

Bella: (Twitch) I-- (twitch) –want--(twitch)--blood! (twitch)

Edward: Relax my love. Carlisle has put together quite a loverly program for savage vampires such as

yourself.

Bella: (Double twitch.)

They enter the Cullen's house and head for the living room. All the furniture has been removed.

In it's place is a half-circle of chairs and a podium. Carlisle stands at the podium and greets them cheerfully--

Carlisle: Ah, Edward! Bella! Come and join us we were just about to get started.

Edward pulls Bella to the two vacant seats at the edge of the half-circle. Occupying the rest of the circle is Alice, Charlie, Rosalie, Mike, Emmett, Jessica and Jasper. They all settle in and grow quiet. Mike whimpers, Charlie looks grumpy and Jessica keeps up her constant chatter with Emmett.

Jessica:...And then he was like 'I love you baby' and then I was like 'I love you more!'--

Carlisle: Right then! The meeting has officially come to order. Let us all start with the pledge. (Holds up his right hand and sticks out his pinky. Everyone follows his example except Rosalie.)

All: I am a nice vampire. Not a mindless eating machine. If I am to change this image, I must first change myself. Humans are friends, not food.

Jasper: Except stinkin' werewolves!

Alice: Werewolves! Yeah they think they're so cute-- "Oh look at me I'm a furry little werewolf let me howl for ya, ain't I somethin'!"

Carlisle: Right then, today's meeting is step five; bring a human friend. Now, have you all got your friends?

Rosalie: (Bored) Got mine. (Points to Mike, who is practically peeing his pants in fear.)

Emmett points to Jessica, who still hasn't stopped talking.

Jessica:...And then we all were like, let's go see Spiderman 3! But then that one girl was like nooooo let's go see Pirates 3 instead...

Alice: (Excitedly) Got mine! (She throws an arm around Charlie, who cringes at her brute strength.)

Jasper: (Shifts uncomfortably) Um, I seem to have misplaced my, erm, friend. (Pats the corners of his mouth delicately with a bloody napkin)

Rosalie: Here, you can have mine. (She tosses Mike with one hand and Jasper catches the terrified boy.) I'm outta here. (Leaves the room. Mutters-) Weirdos.

Emmett: (To Jessica) That's my wifey. (Giggles) She's hot huh?

Carlisle: Good! I'll start the testimonies. Hello! My name is Carlisle.

All: (Bored, monotone) Hello Carlisle.

Carlisle: It has been three centuries since my last human, on my honor, or I will be chopped up and made into soup.

(Edward claps the hardest)

Edward: You're an inspiration to all of us!!!

Alice: Amen!

Carlisle: Right then! Who's next?

Jessica: Ooo! Ohh! Oh! Pick me! Pick me!

Carlisle: Yes, the little human there in the front.

Jessica: WOO!

She and Carlisle switch places.

Carlisle: (Aside to Edward) Where's Bella?

Edward's eyes grow wide and teary and he leaps to his feet.

Edward: My love! Where have you gone?!

Jessica: Hi, I'm Jessica!

All: Hello, Jessica.

Edward spots Bella just about to drag Mike into the kitchen. He takes out a squirt bottle.

Edward: (Squirting) Bad Bella! _Bad_ Bella!

Bella: _HISSSSSSSSSS!_

Edward: So sorry, Mike. (He tosses Mike with one hand back to Jasper)

Mike: (Whimper)

Jessica: And, um, well I don't think I've ever eaten a human. Heh.

All pause, confused. Alice begins to clap.

Alice: Hey that's incredible!

Emmett: Good on ya!

Jessica: (Sighs and wipes her forehead) Oh, I'm so glad I got that off my chest.

Edward and Bella rejoin the circle.

Carlisle: Right then! Who's next? Charlie?

Charlie: Wh-who me?

Alice: Tell us about your problem.

Charlie: Uh, well, I-I don't have a problem.

Carlisle: Okay--

All vampires: Denial!

Alice gives Charlie a gentle shove towards the podium that sends him flying over it instead.

Alice: Oops.

Charlie: (Groans) That—was--too--hard! (He staggers to his feet.)

Carlisle: Just start with your name. (Glances at Edward and notices) Now where's Bella off too?

Edward: (Fists in hair) My loooove! How could you leave meee?! (Sprints for the kitchen)

Charlie: Um, hello? My name is Charlie. I'm the sheriff of Forks.

Alice: (Bouncing excitedly) Really? Really?!

Charlie: Erm, yes.

Edward finds Bella has managed to get Jessica on top of the kitchen table.

Jessica: (Oblivious, as Bella sprinkles some salt and pepper over her) And then I was like, oh no you didn't! And then he was like, oh yes I did! (Bella squeezes a lemon) So I like totally broke up with him and then we were like so totally over and I really--

Edward leaps forward just as Bella is about to chow down.

Edward: Pardon me, Jessica. (Tosses her back to Emmett) I do believe we're going to have to take extra

precautions my love. (He fastens Bella in a straight jacket.)

Charlie: So there's this mollusk, erm, no, wait, there's this enemeny, who walks up to the mollusk. No, well it can't walk, so I guess it swam up to the mollusk. So this enemeny swims up to this mollusk and--

(Emmett leans over to Jasper)

Emmet: You know, for a sheriff he's not very funny.

Charlie: --and um, (gasp) Bella! What are you doing?!

Bella: (As she's dismembering a squirrel) Mmph mmmm!

Edward: The light of my life says "I'm eating!"

Charlie: (Shudders. To Edward-) I hate you.

Edward: I love you.

Charlie: (Double take) What?!

Edward: (Begins to whistle)

Carlisle: So, who's next?

Emmett: Uh, I'll go!

Carlisle: Good man! Up you go.

As Emmett goes to stand, Bella starts to knaw at her straight jacket.

Bella: (Snarl, chew, grunt.)

Edward slaps her hand, then brings out the squirt bottle.

Edward: (Squirting) _Bad _Bella! _Bad_ Bella!

Emmett: Hello, my name is Emmett.

All: Hello, Emmett.

Emmett: It has been 103 years since my last human, on my honor, or I'll be ripped apart by our dearest Bella here.

Bella: (Twitchedy twitch)

Charlie: I can't take this anymore! (Stands to leave)

Carlisle: Hold on there, Charlie.

Alice pulls Charlie back down, but a little too roughly. He crashes through his chair.

Alice: Oops.

Carlisle: We need to officially bring the meeting to a close. And, as you all know, we have a new member with us! Bella, why don't you stand up and tell us a little about yourself.

Bella slowly stands.

Bella: Um, (twitch) hi, my name is Bella.

All: Hello, Bella.

Bella: And I just became a (twitch) vampire.

Carlisle: Everyone, let's give Bella a warm welcome.

Everyone claps and Alice and Edward cheer.

Carlisle: And from this day forward you shall henceforth be known as, (dramatic pause) Wolfbait.

Vampires: Wolfbait OO-HA-HA!

Carlisle: Welcome, Wolfbait!

Vampires: Wolfbait OO-HA-HA!

Carlisle: Enough with the Wolfbait.

Edward: Woflbait!...oo...ba ba...doo.

Charlie: So now that you've transformed, renamed, and literally stolen my daughter as well as the chance for me to ever have grandchildren, can I go now?

Carlisle: (Thinks, considers) Yes.

Charlie bolts for the door. Alice's lip trembles.

Mike: Can I go too?

Carlisle: (Sighs heavily) If you must.

Mike bolts for the door. The rest of the vampires turn and look at Jessica.

Jessica: Um, do I need to go too?

Bella suddenly leaps from her seat and lunges for Jessica.

Bella: Mine! _Mine!_ MINE! _ACKKK_!

Edward has pulled hard on a leash attached to her straight jacket. She is yanked backwards and lands hard on her back.

Bella: Oof! (Sniffle) You hurt meeeeeee...

Readers: Ugh! Again with the crying.

Carlisle: Yes, Jessica, perhaps you _should_ go.

Jessica: Fine then. (She leaves.) See ya Emmy!

Emmett: (Blushes) Bye.

Rosalie is suddenly in the room, right next to him.

Rosalie: Oh, so it's Emmy now?

Emmett: So what if it is? Huh?!

Rosalie: Don't talk back to me mister! I haven't hunted for a _week_!

Emmett: Then go on! Go on and hunt! See if _I_ care!

Rosalie: I think I will! But first we're going to couples therapy.

Emmett: Aw, Rosey...

Rosalie: NOW!

Emmett: ...See ya guys.

All: See ya

Bella and Edward are kissing passionately.

Edward: I love you!

Bella: (Twitch) I love you more!

Edward: No, I love you more!

Bella: (Pause) Yeah, you probably do.

Edward: Even if they make a movie that does our story of passion absolutely no justice!

Bella: Even if I'm played by some gorgeous actress!

Edward: And even if they totally butcher the plot by trying to fit all three books into one script!

Stephanie Meyer: Ok that's it! Who's writing this piece of crap!

Kimmy: Um...(Slowly shuffles away from her lap top)

The End!


	2. Dodgeball

Dodgeball

So here we are again with our beloved characters from Twilight. They gather in the grassy field where the Cullens play baseball now and then. Everyone is preparing themselves mentally and physically for the training Jasper has promised to give on destroying newborn vampires. The werewolves appear where the forest ends and the field begins, sticking to the shadows.

Carlisle: Greetings, furry ones!

Edward as Sam: Thank you. We hope you do not mind, but we brought a trainer of our own. We thought he could teach everyone some useful tricks other than the ones Jasper had.

Jasper bristles at this, but Carlisle simply shrugs.

Carlisle: Of course! Where is he then?

The great wolf turns it's head slightly and barks once. A whirring, electrical sound makes the vampires all cock their heads in curiosity. As it grows louder, the wolves part, leaving space for what can only be...an electrical wheelchair.

Billy wheels out into the clearing, and says with a slightly manic tone-

Billy: LINE UP LADIES!!!

Emmett: But--

Billy: _NOW!_

The vampires all jump as if bitten, and quickly obey. Billy waves with his hand and the wolves emerge from the forest as well, transformed into humans once more. The vampires and wolves squirm uncomfortably as their shoulders brush.

Billy: Now...(he begins to wheel back and forth in front of the line) If you wanna succeed at killing the newborns you have to learn the five basic principles of combat! Dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge!

Edward and Alice exchange glances.

Billy: If you learn and master these techniques no amount of newborns on earth can touch you!

Jasper raises his hand.

Billy: You, queerbank, go ahead!

Jasper: Uh, shouldn't we be using real targets to practice with?

Billy: That's what this sack of wrenches is for. (He pulls a bulging sack from under his chair and plops it on his lap. He pulls out a wrench.)

Vampires and werewolves alike exchange nervous glances.

Billy: (Cont.) If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a newborn. (Suddenly, he hurls the wrench at Jasper and it slams into the vampire's face.)

Jasper goes down like a sack of potatoes.

Jasper: (Moaning) OW!

Carlisle: (To Billy) Erm, was that really necessary?

Billy: (Eye twitch) Necessary? (He wheels forward, threatening) Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?

Carlisle: Um, no probably not.

Billy: No it isn't! But I do it anyway because it's sterile and I like the taste.

Jasper: (Holding his face) Oooh! MY GOD!

Edward: (To Jacob) Is your dad always like this?

Jacob: Only when it's a full moon...

They all look up and groan. It's a full moon.

Billy: (Blows whistle) Let's go LADIES!

The vampires and werewolves start their training with Billy. To help the mood, Carlisle and Esme

set up a boom box playing the theme from Rocky.

Billy: (Blowing whistle) Come on! Come on! Remember the five principles! YOU THERE!

Bella skids to a stop in the middle of the exercise and points to herself.

Bella: M-me?

Billy: Tell me the five principles!

Bella: Uh, um, err...Dodge?

Billy: And???

Bella: (Stressed) I don't know!

Billy: You're about as useful as a poopy-flavored lollipop!

Bella: (Sniffle) N-no I'm not!

Billy: Oh yes you are, hooker! Now why don't you go and sit under that bush and try and decide if you wanna seduce my son or your bloodsucker!

Bella: FINE! (She leaves the others and crawls under a bush as instructed)

Billy: (Blows whistle furiously) Let's go! This is PATHETIC!!!

The werewolves and vampires are pitifully coordinated together. They bump into each other constantly, always fearful of the rain of wrenches. Edward takes a wrench to the face.

Edward: GAH! My beautiful face!!!

Billy: Heads up queerbank! (He throws another wrench in Jasper's direction)

Jasper: (Woman's scream) AHHHHHHH!

A white manicured hand snatches the wrench just inches from Jasper's face. Rosalie smugly waves the wrench around so everyone can see she's caught it.

Rosalie: What? Eight years of softball.

Quil: (To Embry) Man, she gotta be a lesbian.

Billy: All I know is that dike can play! (Happily wheels forwards) What's your name lesbo?

Rosalie: It's Rosalie. And I'm not a les---

Billy: JACOB! Come 'ere.

Jacob quickly obeys his father.

Billy: Now I want you all to pay attention to Rosalie's technique here. Jacob, here ya go, (He hands

Jacob a wrench.) Try and hit the lesbian.

Emmett: (Raises hand) I can _testify_ that she is not a lesbian!

Billy: Ask me if I care, crotchstain!

Emmett: Do you care?

Billy wordlessly grabs another wrench and hurls it at Emmett. It hits home right below his belt.

Emmett: Sweet mother of TROY! (Keels over)

All the males present wince.

Billy: Jacob! Do as your told! Throw the dang thing!

Jacob takes a deep breath, draws back his arm, then throws the wrench with blinding speed at

Rosalie. She whirls, catches it, then hurls it right back at him.

Bella: (Dives) Noooooooooo!!! (She takes the wrench to the face)

Jacob: Bella! You DO love me!

Edward: WHAT?!

Bella: Chilax Edward.

Jacob: Oh happy day! (Does a dance)

Bella: Hey, I didn't say that I loved you.

Jacob: Huh?

Bella: I still haven't decided.

Billy: Hey! Worthless wench! Get back to your bush!

Bella: You know what? I quit! (She storms off)

Edward: Wait for me, my love! (Skips off after her, singing to himself) I'm a shiny boy, yes I am! I'm a shiny boy shiny boy shiny boooooooy!

Billy: Any of the rest of you still up for training?

The remaining vampires and werewolves all mutter guiltily.

Billy: Suit yourself, queers. (Wheels off.)

The End!


	3. Pirates of the Caribbean

Well the first two chapters were more popular than I thought they'd be, so here's something to hold you over 'till I can think of something else! Not as funny as the first two in my opinion, but enjoy anyway!

Ahh. Another peaceful day aboard the Black Pearl. Here we find our beloved pirates going about their daily lives and routines. Below deck, Pintel and Ragetti are foraging for some food. Above deck, Gibbs and Mr. Cotton have a intellectual conversation regarding the relationship betixt a pumkin and penguin. Let's listen in, shall we?

Gibbs: ...so disregardin' the fact that a pumpkin and a penguin are members o' different species--

Mr. Cotton's Parrot: Rrrawk! Steady as she goes!

Gibbs: (Nods sagely) Aye, I agree with ye.

Now let's find our favorite romantic couple, Will and Elizabeth.

Will: Elizabeth, you were eyeing the captain again.

Elizabeth: (Hautily) That's hardly true! Wait...which captain?

Will: Jack of course!

Elizabeth: Then no, I was not eyeing the captain.

Will: But does that mean...(he gasps)...Elizabeth! You were eyeing Barbossa?!

Elizabeth: We are not having this conversation anymore!

Will: (Starts to chase her) Oh yes we are! Elizabeth, answer me! My eunichy pride can't take it!!!

The captain's cabin door slams open.

Barbossa: (Shoots his pistol wildly in the air) WILL YEH KEEP IT DOWN!!!

All on deck freeze and obey. Barbossa casts one manic look over them all then retreats back into

the cabin, muttering--

Barbossa: I'm tryin' ta have a _peaceful_ mornin' here...

Elizabeth catches his eye and waves. Barbossa does a double take, not used to female attention of any kind, and quickly slams the cabin door with a shudder.

Will: I knew it! You don't love me anymore!

Jack Sparrow saunters over to Will and throws an arm around his shoulders.

Jack: Wots that I hear? Lizzie's finally succumbed to me irresistable charms?

Will: Get off me! I want to die!

The Flying Dutchman pops out of the water. Davy Jones is suddenly standing just a foot away from Will.

Davy: I can take care of that-uh!

Will: (Woman's scream) EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

The captain's cabin door slams open once more.

Barbossa: (Cocks his pistol) ALRIGHT! ME PATIENCE HAS BEEN STRETCHED BEYOND IT'S LIMIT! WHICH OF YE SCREAMED?!

Jack: Now now, Hector. Be resonable. The whelp can't help it if he's a eunich.

Will: I am NOT!

Jack: Denial can be a poisonous thing, dear William.

Davy: (To Barbossa) Are yeh goin' ta shoot someone or aren't you-uh? Otherwise me presence is not required-uh.

Elizabeth: (Waves) Hi Davy!

Will: Oh so now it's Davy hmm? Had enough of Barbossa already?

Elizabeth: Did it ever occur to you that I might just be making some friends Will? Huh? Ever thought of that?!

Will: _I..._erm, no.

Elizabeth: Ugh! Pirates...

Will: ...(tiny voice) But you still love me right?

Elizabeth: I shouldn't have to answer that!

Barbossa: SHUT IT!

Jack: You shouldn't shout so much, mate. You'll go hoarse.

Barbossa: No problem. (Pulls out a bag of cough drops.) Apple flavored!

Davy: Alright then-uh! I'll be goin' now!

Elizabeth: Bye, Davy!

Will: That's it! (To Barbossa) Shoot me!

Barbossa: Gladly. (Shoots Will.)

Elizabeth: Noooooo!

Will: You _shot _me!

Barbossa: (Shrugs) Ye told me to.

Jack: Since when did you ever listen to anyone?

Barbossa: I only do the things I want to do. Shooting the whelp just happened to be one o' them.

Davy: Oh goody-uh! (Bends down next to Will) Mr. Turner, do you fear death-uh?

Will: Hmmm...that's a good one. Hang on, lemme think.

Que Jeopardy music. Jack fiddles with his dreadlocks. Elizabeth watches Davy's tentacles with fascination. Gibbs twiddles this thumbs. Barbossa glances at his Mickey Mouse watch. Will is thinking hard while he loses quarts of blood. The Jeopardy music ends.

Davy: Have yeh made ye choice? And would _you _stop that! (Elizabeth has been poking one of his tentacles.)

Elizabeth: But they're so squishy!

Will: Yes, I have made my decision. And the answer is--

A vortex suddenly appears right next to Will and a figure steps out of it. It is Carlisle!

Carlisle: (Looking at his list) Hmm...okay, is there a William Turner II present?

Will: That's me.

Carlisle: Ah yes, there you are. The one whose dying. (He laughs to himself and the pirates exchange glances) I've come to make you an offer.

Davy: Well ye can shove it because I've already made one-uh!

Carlisle: Now now, don't be rude. William, (He bends down) I can offer you eternal life.

Davy: So can I!

Carlisle: (Ignores Davy) It will take three days of excruciating pain but after that, you will be immortal.

Davy: No pain here! Yeh get instant satisfaction-uh!

Carlisle: Yes, but if you come with me, you never have to worry about growing barnacles and other manners of sea life all over your visage.

Davy:..I resent that-uh. And would ye _stop_ that!!! (Slaps away Elizabeth's hand)

Elizabeth: I shall call him squishy and he shall be mine, and he shall be my squishy. Hey there little squishy! Hey little guy! (Continues to coo at Davy's tentacle)

Carlisle: In fact, you become beautiful. See? (Slow motion hair flip)

Pirates: Ooooooooo!

Carlisle: Amazing, isn't it?

Barbossa: And who are you?

Carlisle: Goodness me! How inconsiderate I have been! Allow me to introduce myself. I am Carlisle Cullen of Forks, Washington. And you are?

Jack: (Interrupts Barbossa) I am Jack Sparrow, _captain_ of the Black Pearl. This here's Hector.

Barbossa: Barbossa! Hector _Barbossa_. The _other_ captain of the Black Pearl.

Carlisle: (Slowly nods) ...I see.

Will: Um, excuse me? 'Still dying here.

Carlisle: Ah yes, what'll it be my lad?

Will: I have decided to-- (Dies.)

Elizabeth: Nooooooooo!

Carlisle: Oh my.

Davy: Well crap-uh. (He gets up and before leaving, turns to Barbossa) Were ye goin' ta shoot anyone else?

Barbossa: (Eyeing Jack) Hopefully.

Davy: Any idea when?

Barbossa: Ye'll be the first to know.

Davy morphs back to the Dutchman.

Davy: Pack 'er up boys! We're movin' out!

A collective "YEEEEE—HAWWW!" Is heard from the barnacled crew and the Dutchman dissapears below the sea. A single bubble floats to the surface in it's wake.

Carlisle: Well then, I'm off! So sorry about your loss. (He turns to leave but Elizabeth leaps to her feet)

Elizabeth: WAIT! Take me with you!

Carlisle: (Looks her up and down) No objection here. (He opens the vortex and gives Elizabeth a hand in.) Anyone else?

The pirates collectively shake their heads no.

Carlisle: Alright then. Cheerio! (Jumps into the vortex and it zips close.)

Jack: What're we gonna do wif him then? (Nudges Will with his foot)

Barbossa: Over the side! I'm goin' back ta bed...

Jack: Do me a favor and sleep above the covers! I'm sick o' changin' them every time you lay your dirty arse in them.

Barbossa: You don't exactly leave them smelling like daisies either, Sparrow.

Jack: If you would suck it up and just buy yourself a bed, we wouldn't be havin' this problem!

Barbossa: You buy it!

Jack: No you buy it!

Barbossa: Ye're always sayin' the Pearl is yours, Jack. 'Tis your responsibility then!

Jack: Ah! So you admit the Pearl is mine then?

Barbossa: If you buy a bed, then yes. Once you do though, I'm going to start saying she's mine again!

Jack: Nevermind.

Barbossa: Then I'll be in me bed. (Shuts the door, then opens it again. To the crew-) _And not a sound out 'o ye!!_

The crew nods fearfully.

The End!

A/N: Barbossa's peaceful morning joke belongs to my good friend, Olivegreeneyes!


End file.
